Are you happy with your second marriage

Marriage to yourself

Suppose you were married to yourself - how happy would you be?

About 12 years ago I stumbled upon the book "love yourself and it doesn't matter who you marry" by Eva Maria Zurhorst.

This title came into my life at a time when I was on the verge of getting married for the second time. My first marriage was divorced because I didn't understand then how helpful couples therapy can be. The inability to communicate what moved me emotionally was the biggest stumbling block back then.


Working through the past

In my parents' house I had learned that I and my needs were not taken seriously anyway. Not because my mother and grandmother would not have wanted it, but because they simply had no awareness of it. My grandmother survived World War I and World War II. There was no room for needs, that was a luxury. This was just about survival.

There was no room for it in her marriage to my grandpa either. He was on the front lines for most of their marriage. He fought for the fatherland and she took care of her two young children. Communication took place predominantly via letters. Unfortunately, I don't know what the two of them were talking about - I was interested in it too late.

And I couldn't see it anymore, because my grandpa fell shortly before the end of the war. My mother could not orientate herself to her parents and their marriage and over time also became a partner substitute for my grandmother. From a systemic point of view, my mother was virtually married to her mother.

How happy was this “marriage”? How happy were both women?

How happy are you in your marriage / relationship or in your life?

When my mother married my father, it was certainly a means to an end. To get away from her mother and lead a life of her own. This approach was mercilessly doomed. My father couldn't give her the freedom she longed for. And the freedom he gave her by shining through absence my mother used as an opportunity to declare him the villain. He left her with a little child, so to speak.


What happened?

But if you look closely, what actually happened? My mother took a husband who was just as absent as her own father, who was at war most of the time. In addition, she took a husband who, due to his absence, did not compete with my grandmother, with whom my mother was like married.

In this whole entanglement, none of the participants was certainly able to feel who I am and what I want.

And that is a very important prerequisite for being happy in a relationship with someone else or with your life. How do you want to live up to yourself when you have no sense of what is really fulfilling you?

You can now imagine why my first marriage also failed? I had never learned what I really wanted and even less had I learned that I was allowed to represent it and communicate with the other person. I expected my first husband to feel what I need and what makes me happy. And that he gives it to me of course!

It goes without saying that my first husband also shone a lot because of his absence and I spent many hours waiting and crying ... I had unconsciously chosen the same relationship model as my grandmother or my mother. I was the victim, the pitiful strong woman who can do it all on her own, but was totally lonely and sad inside. And I made my husband a perpetrator who I could be angry with.

If you are traveling like this, you will not find your happiness. You won't be fulfilled within your relationship either, and your life will feel hollow in some ways.


Take stock!

I would like to invite you to take stock today.

On a scale of 0-10, how lucky are you?

Answer spontaneously, from the gut. And consider it a snapshot. We don't always feel happy, it can fluctuate from day to day.

You can also ask yourself this question in connection with individual areas of your life. For example, how happy am I in my relationship? How happy am I at work? In the company of friends?

If it is difficult for you to name a number, then take 11 small pieces of paper, which you numbered 0-10, fold up and then you can simply decide on a piece of paper, as if you were pulling away, and experience the current level of your happiness.

You can also get the checklist for "what I can do for my happiness" free of charge. And if you now feel that you basically want to muck out, be it in your relationship or in individual areas of your life, then get in touch with me.

Together we can discuss what the next meaningful steps are for you and how I can actively support you in inviting more happiness into your life.


Michaela Mantwill